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You Might Be A Cancer Survivor If......


You might be a cancer survivor if:

  • You know how to flick the IV tube, like the nurses do, to get rid of those little bubbles.
  • Your trash cans are labeled Regular, Recycle, and Medical Waste.
  • You refuse to leave the treatment center until the nurse remembers to use the heparin and flushes your port.
  • The drug store drive-thru knows your car by sight and has the medications ready without any questions.
  • You commonly use the abbreviations - dx, hx, rx, sx, tx - and you have never been to medical school.
  • You actually know the meaning of NED....not a guy from a movie
  • You can rattle off the brand names and generic names of medications and their uses faster than a nurse can.
  • You know how to push the correct buttons on your chemo pump to "add more volume" when it is beeping and the nurse is nowhere to be found.
  • You know thath Boost and Ensure are entrees.
  • You celebrate your cellulite (yay weight gain!).
  • You count getting on and off the couch as "exercise".
  • You've named your port.
  • You have fired more than one doctor (or nurse).
  • You have enough controlled substances in your medicine cabinet to cause a DEA shakedown.
  • You look forward to times when CVS stocks banana flavored Ensure because that makes a nice "dessert".
  • When people complain to you, you say "I have cancer. What's YOUR excuse".
  • If your scalp gets sunburned due to thinner hair.
  • When the parking attendant at the treatment center knows you by name and is patient because you Never Ever can find your validated ticket even though you have come there twice a week every other week for 2 years.
  • You not only get spine tingling experiences, but also hand and foot tingling experience.
  • You can joke about cancer while other people are uncomfortable with the topic.
  • You know that Cancer is only a word...not a sentence!
  • You  know  more  about  cancer  than  your  primary  care  doctor.

You might be a colorectal cancer survivor if:

  • You know exactly down-to-the-minute when your pump will run out of 5-Fu.
  • You can count your chemo treatments by looking at the white rings in your finger and toe nails.
  • Your underwear has more skid marks than a downhill ski slope.
  • You know that 5FU is not a bad word.
  • You have gloves for shoveling snow, driving and getting things out of the refrigerator.
  • You ask for luke warm tap water when you go to restaurants.
  • You celebrate bowel movements!
  • You know the location of every restroom is a 20-mile radius of your home - and can rate them for how clean they are, if they have paper  and if they use that thin paper that seems to be absorption-proof.
  • All of your meals can be eaten by a spoon.
  • You reference research articles on colorectal cancer when talking to your oncologist.
  • You've lost count of your scars.
  • You've named your scars.
  • You've named your:
    • port.
    • stoma. Debbie Hodges named her stoma Elvis because "he is muscial though tone deaf and with no sense of rhythm"
  • Every purse, pocket, and desk drawer has Imodium in it.
  • You think that you're having a good day when you can make it to the store and back and only use the store restroom once or twice.  You're having a great day if you can make it to the store and back without using a restroom.
  • You know all the parts of the digestive system in detail.
  • You resort to pure comedy with your shopping cart just to get people to choose another path so they won't have to walk through the cloud of stinkiness you just let loose because it was just too painful to hold in! 
  • You only buy new clothes that can be opened to access your port, hide your ostomy bag, camoflage the bumps and bulges leftover from surgery, and can be tossed in the washer a 100 times.
  • You have at least five sizes of clothes in your closet, with a selection of items in the size suitable for: pre-cancer, pre-surgery, post-op, after chemo weight gain and after chemo weight loss.
  • You can spell the names of all the chemo drugs you take.
  • You keep a list of medications, treatments and side effects on your Blackberry or other smartphone.
  • Your "release to medical professionals" list has more than 10 specialists.
  • You now evaluate purses and briefcases for their ability to carry extra continence and/or ostomy supplies.
  • You think a breakfast of rice chex, lunch of boiled chicken in broth and dinner of a vanilla protein shake is a full day of eating.
  • You've gotten nauseous watching food being prepared on TV.
  • You know how to find a $50 room in NYC (or Houston, or Baltimore) that is near every hospital you visit for tests.
  • The pharmacist doesn't question you any more when you buy lactulose by the litre.
  • You keep a jacket in your car, not for inclement weather, but for incontinent "weather"
  • While touring the booths and displays at an Undy 5000 race you visit a booth for Movie Prep. (colonoscopy prep)  They are giving away $20.00 off coupons and you get excited.
  • When someone call's you a A**hole and your responce is: How can I be. I don't even have one.
  • You buy your pants and shorts at the maternity section even though you're not pregnant.
  • You ponder the difference between a nodule, a mass,  a spot,  a lesion and tumor on a regular basis.
  • When you go to different countries, you rate the place not only because of their famous tourists spots but also according to the beauty of their comfort room.
  • All your troubles are behind you!
  • Your ":" is now a ";"

And, while we're on the subject of humor and colorectal cancer:

  • Most people think that it's the heart that runs the body.....Others, the mind.... But we semi-colons KNOW which part it is!!! (Don't we now?)
  • Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? ......Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
  • Expecting cancer to go into remission because you have the right attitude is like expecting a bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

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